can I die?

The knot hasn't loosened all

As far as he knows I'm sick and cannot school. In reality, it's because li won't be there.

I feel like rubbish.

Losing my freaking mind.

Biggest fucking crush.

I thought I'd never See you again. Most awkward hello ever.

Worst wanderlust ever.

Fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I feel sick the the very pit of my stomach.
  

I feel weak for feeling like I need this. But I think it also shows that I know myself better than to know I won't relapse again.

I will not open my mouth. I will seal these lips and trap this thing inside me and not let it out.

My first tattoo will say this

Never let them get you alive
g.

Relationship status change is an  interesting social experiment.  The woman, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the breakup were, always gets more comments from fellow womenfolk gushing apologies ABS such.

Ooh you deleted your facebook.
Look out, we've got a bad ass over here.

I did it. I went to psychology and I didn't panic.

You still don't get it.
Fuck.

I am greener than I ever want to admit.

You are shit.
That night wasnt about you, and if she didnt mind, I dont think you should.
Also, I actually felt close to her for the first time since I lost her. You fucked that too.

I cant tell if this is even real anymore.

Lucky me gets to see a psychiatrist.

Why is a flu an acceptable reason to be absent from school, but not depression or anxiety. Both leave you on the couch, with tissues not wanting to leave the couch.
I think its ridiculous.

I actually enjoy the mars volta. Curse you boy.

Every couple of weeks I have a mini breakdown. I cry, I drink tea, and I drown the world out with music that calm the storm in my chest.  I do not leave the house, I especially don't want to go to school. I don't know how to explain this to my teachers.

New month. Fresh start.

Eek. crush.

I am a bad friend

so many crushes.

I have to drop housing and design.
he looks to much like someone I need to forget.

its been almost a month, and the beat of your songs still
make my heart skip, and mouth dry.

i owe you EVERYTHING.

I actually have the most perfect boy ever. propose with a ring around a kitties neck.

oh my fuck yes.

I have far too many old flames, that keep threatening to respark off the kindling of my ribcage.

I
want
to
die.

inferiority complex.

everything is better than I am.

I need out of this relationship.

I have a crush

I survived :)

I would desperately like that part of my heart back please. it's still choking

I can see further than ever before.

valentines day :)

sir Wally waddles the echidna

great friends I have.

last time i was in a taxi, it was taking lover to emergency. this is much better. TO FESTIVALE!

we all fall, sometimes hard, sometimes not. and even though we hurt, we sometimes hide. some
people, are incapable of showing their sorrow. that's why, i am very fond of bruises. those,
you cannot hide.

something clicked last night. and I felt your heart.
I could feel it and it meant something to my heart.

I spoke your Bodies language once more.

you don't fucking get it do you?
you don't seem to understand me anymore. before you noticed when I changed the writing on my wrist. now in seeking counseling for my nervous breakdown and you havent fucking noticed.
you fucking jerk.
any wonder I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.

we're not the same. and we don't fit.
and I'm leaving.
I don't give a fuck if it's your birthday.

today I got help.

card and present wrapped.
for the only one who matters

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

—
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

ugh.

different names for the same thing

last night I created a playlist that might just save my life if i need it. many beautiful voiced who will calm me and walk me off the ledge. and I've been self diagnosing and Laying in bed over thinking everything and just wanting this breaking of everything inside me to have a name. the not knowing is the worst part of it all. if I can name it then half it's power is gone, dr who taught me that.

I've been using deep breathing exercises and trying to slow my heart beat enough that it won't hurt anymore. and I've been drinking copious amounts of tea hoping to drown whatever still remains.

I saw him yesterday, and just seeing his smile cut my insides into ribbons and left me as weak an weighed down as the day he left. I don't even know if it was him, but it made me feel so bad when I remembered that he's not really dead, I've just killed him off in my head as heart and how the fuck could I do that do easily?

sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head. in my heart. you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me. maybe it wasn't even you. i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now. you will have changed. you'd have to have. if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good. really goodI can't say the same for me or him though.

I need help. actual help.
but that means admitting something is out of my control.

breathe. keep afloat. survive.

last night I made a playlist of songs that might just save my life if I need it.
I am not okay at all right now. and this isn't the kind of breaking down I can write about. that might mean admitting this is beyond my control.

I can't make you happy.

I dreamt about you last night. i woke up missing you and clutching at my chest waiting to implode.

today I will drink coffee and talk to jemmy and I will pretend my insides arent tighter than ever.

I actually want to kill myself.

I will never make it as anything. ever.
fuck this.

fuck.
just fuck everything.

I wish I could really trace this on my skin. pinpoint the moment it all fell apart.

maybe there's a spider vein that is when my heart exploded and I should've died.

maybe that's why I feel so empty.

ghost boy.

I saw you today.
I knew it was you from your eyes
and your smile.

sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head.

in my heart.

you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me.
maybe it wasn't even you.

i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now.

you will have changed. you'd have to have.

if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good.
really good

I can't say the same for me or him though.

this is bullshit.

there are parts of my landscape that others would tell me to bury, or let the tides wash them over and smooth them.

things are changing, and i cannot control it.

i will therefore control those things that i can.

body. i apologise if i nearly kill you.

I am eager for you to get home. I love you, and I need you and I am wanting your hugs <3

I really want to do pet photography. but I don't know where to start.

this guilt is lead weighted.

i am desperately trying to understand the quakes that shake and
tremor my skin and deep in my muscles.
i know that my body is a landscape, and i am learning that the mountains
and valleys aren't always at peace as i can feel the rains starting to come
and wash away the paths that i knew so well.

each drop, is rendering me even more lost.

good night.

he's cracking on

I love him. so whipped

drunkenness always results in bohemian rhapsody. :D

I am not cut out for this.

you fucking get me.
I don't care if your bigger and better than me, you are my fucking hero.
you better be back soon, and this time I won't faint.

phantom limbs.

i can still feel you,
a body beside mine that is no longer there
and i reach to touch you and i fall through
and grab cotton instead.


i can still hear, feel and smell you.
but cannot touch you.
i cannot touch you.

fuck.

I don't even know what I'm running away from any more. I am in danger if losing myself and burning the bridge to anywhere that I belong.

my chemical romance.

I have finally seen mcr :D

i am considering moving out. i need to be on my own, have my own space. 

i don't have that here. i need something to call my own, somewhere i can

sprawl, and be messy with my music blasting and paper and paint and tape

everywhere. i am missing something.

i don't feel whole.

something is missing.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

writing my heart out.

the waves are sparkling and for the first time

in longer than i can recall

i do not want to sink to the bottom

i am happy staying afloat a little longer.

dear, g.

for someone i've only ever seen in the flesh once

you are really quite important to me.

i have to say thank you, you apologised to us all

and i'm pretty sure we all instantly forgave you.

its hard to stay mad at someone so insanely handsome.

i know i fainted in the middle of your set

but i was in heaven, and i still can barely talk

for the screaming your words back at you.

and my arm still hurts from holding it up in the air

so you can know that i'm here, and i'm not going

to give up.

ever.

thank you for coming here, and thank you for

helping me keep the faith.

you make me stronger than i could ever be

on my own, and one day i will write your words

on me so that i can keep you and your strength

with me always.

killjoy sparrow.

i am letting you go.

not in any grand symbolic gesture

or split second epiphany.

it will be quiet

and i will hold my breath.

and exhale

you will no longer rule my heart.

or haunt my bones.

the same body i blame and curse for breaking bones, and drowning lungs

is the one that has left me calm, and serene.

things to consider 

i'm a tourist in the city i was born in.

its okay, not to be okay.

everything belongs somewhere.
my heart is an ocean, you sink like a stone.
a feelings just a feeling, until you let it get the best of you.
some months i never get right.
drink more tea.