last night I created a playlist that might just save my life if i need it. many beautiful voiced who will calm me and walk me off the ledge. and I've been self diagnosing and Laying in bed over thinking everything and just wanting this breaking of everything inside me to have a name. the not knowing is the worst part of it all. if I can name it then half it's power is gone, dr who taught me that.
I've been using deep breathing exercises and trying to slow my heart beat enough that it won't hurt anymore. and I've been drinking copious amounts of tea hoping to drown whatever still remains.
I saw him yesterday, and just seeing his smile cut my insides into ribbons and left me as weak an weighed down as the day he left. I don't even know if it was him, but it made me feel so bad when I remembered that he's not really dead, I've just killed him off in my head as heart and how the fuck could I do that do easily?
sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head. in my heart. you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me. maybe it wasn't even you. i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now. you will have changed. you'd have to have. if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good. really goodI can't say the same for me or him though.
I need help. actual help.
but that means admitting something is out of my control.
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