Every couple of weeks I have a mini breakdown. I cry, I drink tea, and I drown the world out with music that calm the storm in my chest. I do not leave the house, I especially don't want to go to school. I don't know how to explain this to my teachers.
Sunday 19 February 2012
Saturday 18 February 2012
Friday 17 February 2012
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Saturday 11 February 2012
Friday 10 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
you don't fucking get it do you?
you don't seem to understand me anymore. before you noticed when I changed the writing on my wrist. now in seeking counseling for my nervous breakdown and you havent fucking noticed.
you fucking jerk.
any wonder I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.
we're not the same. and we don't fit.
and I'm leaving.
I don't give a fuck if it's your birthday.
you don't seem to understand me anymore. before you noticed when I changed the writing on my wrist. now in seeking counseling for my nervous breakdown and you havent fucking noticed.
you fucking jerk.
any wonder I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.
we're not the same. and we don't fit.
and I'm leaving.
I don't give a fuck if it's your birthday.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
—
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
—
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Tuesday 7 February 2012
different names for the same thing
last night I created a playlist that might just save my life if i need it. many beautiful voiced who will calm me and walk me off the ledge. and I've been self diagnosing and Laying in bed over thinking everything and just wanting this breaking of everything inside me to have a name. the not knowing is the worst part of it all. if I can name it then half it's power is gone, dr who taught me that.
I've been using deep breathing exercises and trying to slow my heart beat enough that it won't hurt anymore. and I've been drinking copious amounts of tea hoping to drown whatever still remains.
I saw him yesterday, and just seeing his smile cut my insides into ribbons and left me as weak an weighed down as the day he left. I don't even know if it was him, but it made me feel so bad when I remembered that he's not really dead, I've just killed him off in my head as heart and how the fuck could I do that do easily?
sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head. in my heart. you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me. maybe it wasn't even you. i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now. you will have changed. you'd have to have. if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good. really goodI can't say the same for me or him though.
I need help. actual help.
but that means admitting something is out of my control.
I've been using deep breathing exercises and trying to slow my heart beat enough that it won't hurt anymore. and I've been drinking copious amounts of tea hoping to drown whatever still remains.
I saw him yesterday, and just seeing his smile cut my insides into ribbons and left me as weak an weighed down as the day he left. I don't even know if it was him, but it made me feel so bad when I remembered that he's not really dead, I've just killed him off in my head as heart and how the fuck could I do that do easily?
sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head. in my heart. you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me. maybe it wasn't even you. i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now. you will have changed. you'd have to have. if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good. really goodI can't say the same for me or him though.
I need help. actual help.
but that means admitting something is out of my control.
breathe. keep afloat. survive.
last night I made a playlist of songs that might just save my life if I need it.
I am not okay at all right now. and this isn't the kind of breaking down I can write about. that might mean admitting this is beyond my control.
I am not okay at all right now. and this isn't the kind of breaking down I can write about. that might mean admitting this is beyond my control.
Monday 6 February 2012
ghost boy.
I saw you today.
I knew it was you from your eyes
and your smile.
sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head.
in my heart.
you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me.
maybe it wasn't even you.
i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now.
you will have changed. you'd have to have.
if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good.
really good
I can't say the same for me or him though.
I knew it was you from your eyes
and your smile.
sometimes I forget you're still breathing, and then I feel bad for killing you off in my head.
in my heart.
you didn't see me. or maybe you recognized the car and ignored me.
maybe it wasn't even you.
i don't know how I'd even approach you after not talking or seeing you for over two years. it would be like bringing someone back from the dead. dragging back all the old ghosts and old feeling and jamming them into whoever you are now.
you will have changed. you'd have to have.
if that was you, you've grown into yourself and you looked good.
really good
I can't say the same for me or him though.
Saturday 4 February 2012
Friday 3 February 2012
Thursday 2 February 2012
i am desperately trying to understand the quakes that shake and
tremor my skin and deep in my muscles.
i know that my body is a landscape, and i am learning that the mountains
and valleys aren't always at peace as i can feel the rains starting to come
and wash away the paths that i knew so well.
each drop, is rendering me even more lost.
tremor my skin and deep in my muscles.
i know that my body is a landscape, and i am learning that the mountains
and valleys aren't always at peace as i can feel the rains starting to come
and wash away the paths that i knew so well.
each drop, is rendering me even more lost.
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